different from wanting to die
by callmesandy
Summary: Alt Liv and Olivia both came back from the other side. Alt Liv is now a prisoner and Astrid gets to guard her. Which is how it starts.
Notes: for the trope bingo square: presumed dead. Title and opening quote from the poem How to Avoid Confronting Most Large Animals by Emily Pettit. The Shaun the Sheep movie came out in 2015 but I've moved it to 2011 for the purpose of getting two people to make out, which is a noble purpose. Thanks to the JAM!

 _Wanting to disappear  
is different from wanting to die_

"Everyone thinks you're dead," Astrid said.

The other Olivia looked at her with a snarl. "So you're my baby sitter?"

"No," Astrid said. "I'm the one who keeps you from escaping. We don't want you to alert your contacts. We want you to tell us your contacts. You feel like doing that?"

"No," Liv said. Astrid had decided to call her Liv.

Two weeks later, despite Astrid's best efforts, Liv escaped and went straight to a place where she could contact Newton. It was just what they'd wanted her to do. After they captured Newton, they were able to get to work on the whole shapeshifter network. Astrid went back to being the guard of their material witness.

"You wanted me to escape," Liv said. "That was pretty well done."

"People underestimate me," Astrid said. They were in their fifth bland motel. Astrid missed her own pictures, the print she'd bought at her college roommate's first show. She definitely missed her own beauty routine and not being watched by super special agent Liv.

Liv sprawled on the bed. "What happens to me now?"

"Everyone on your side thinks you're dead, again. We plan to keep you safe because we think there's a chance that you might be able to help us one day," Astrid said.

"And whoever we is, they don't think much of you if they're wasting you on this detail," Liv said.

"This is a step up for me," Astrid said. "No fruit exploding or toxic air events. Not even one."

They went jogging. They worked out at bad hotel gyms. Liv would go on about how much better the gyms were on the other side. Astrid took Liv to a firing range once a week to let her show off. Liv proved to be a perfect shot, even with Astrid standing behind her with a knife pressed to her back.

They watched a lot of TV. "I know, your side has better," Astrid said.

"No, not at all," Liv said. "Not even close. You guys have great shows. Can we watch that cartoon one again? I loved it."

"Futurama? I'll get it on DVD," Astrid said.

One time Astrid got a week off when Broyles himself stepped in to watch the prisoner. "She does try to escape still, sir," Astrid said.

"I know, you've done a remarkable job, Agent Farnsworth," Broyles said.

Astrid slept in. She went to see her Dad. She got her hair done right at a place in Brooklyn. She went to three bars on three separate nights and took a lady home with her. She woke up exhausted and sore.

She listened to Peter's update. "We think that the machine Walternate built on the other side, he wants us to build on this side. That would have been her mission. She would replace Olivia and steer us that way."

"She would have been successful," Astrid said. "I'm pretty sure she can do anything."

"I too think very highly of an Olivia Dunham and hope to maybe even date someday -"

"I don't want to date Liv," Astrid said. "I don't think so."

"Right now it would be sleeping with the enemy, so avoid it," Peter said.

Astrid told him about what Liv had said about the other side. Peter nodded and said "Great" a lot.

"What are we going to do with her?"

Peter shrugged. "If we put her in prison, she escapes. She starts talking to other people. If we put her in solitary, it's cruel beyond anything she deserves. I think we keep doing what we're doing, if you don't mind."

"Actually, I kinda enjoy it," Astrid said.

"We both know she's a better houseguest than Walter," Peter said.

"And I'm a better shot, thanks to her," Astrid said.

Astrid took Liv on a tour of Middle America hotels for the next month. They had a routine. Liv had insisted on learning to knit which meant Astrid had to learn, too. Astrid decided they should learn a language. She chose Urdu. Another two weeks passed.

"I'm so sick of you," Liv said, nearly snarling as she got in bed.

"I'm not so fond of you, either," Astrid said. She set the electronic fence that kept Liv from going anywhere but the bed and the bathroom. Peter was proud of how well it worked.

"Just kill me," Liv said. "I'll never turn on my people, I'll never help you."

"If you helped us, it wouldn't be turning on your people. There's no war," Astrid said. "There's Walter, crossing universes to save his son. That's it."

"I want a new keeper," Liv said.

"I'll see what I can do," Astrid said.

Peter and Olivia were too focused on fringe cases and trying to save both universes to take over. Broyles had a whole department to run. Agent Jessup had been murdered by a shapeshifter. Charlie had been, too. The answer was to bring on a new person. Broyes recommended an agent Robert Danzig. He was vetted and vetted again and managed to work with Walter for a full week.

Astrid and Danzig worked together watching Liv for a week. Astrid made sure Danzig knew all of Liv's little tricks. "She will try to stash anything that can be used as a weapon. You have to examine her. Be very careful when she's knitting, she could probably kill you with a skein of yarn, but it keeps her occupied. She likes almost anything on the SyFy channel, she won't watch ABC Family."

Danzig smiled. "You sound like you're describing an ex."

"I wish, that would have made these months a lot more tolerable," Astrid said.

After a day back working Fringe cases, she missed Liv. She opened her knitting bag at the lab then closed it. She started to listen to the Urdu tapes and then turned them off. Lying in bed at night, finally free to masturbate without an audience, she turned on her vibrator and thought of Liv.

Liv drank coffee constantly, even the worst motel version of it. Liv insisted on knitting with real wool yarn and never acrylic because she remembered sheep going extinct. Liv who despite being basically a prisoner on a near alien world laughed constantly.

Astrid helped Peter and Olivia put together the code so they could find the machine pieces on their side.

"So you're trying one more time with me," Liv said, sitting across from Astrid in a Starbucks. "I really love these lattes."

"I figured," Astrid said. "Also I knitted this for you." She handed over the stuffed baby sheep she'd made. "I thought when you get home, you can bring a sheep back with you."

"That is so nice," Liv said. "I knitted something for you, too." She pulled out a long scarf in shades of purple. "My new guard isn't so great at letting me download decent patterns."

"Thank you," Astrid said, smiling. "I did want to try to talk to you again. We built that machine, the one you were sent over to get us to build. It's a weapon. But it can be an instrument of creation. We wondered if you knew anything about it."

"I assume Peter gets into it and poof, I'm the last living survivor. Well, I guess the last of two," Liv said, frowning.

"Do you really think Peter would do that? That I would want that?"

Liv drank her latte. "No. Yes. I don't know."

"You know us, you know me," Astrid said. "None of us are at war with you or your universe."

Liv played with her sheep. "I am going to name her Trudy," she said, smiling.

"I am going to wear this scarf a lot," Astrid said.

A week later, Agent Danzig contacted Astrid and Broyles. "She swears she might want to help."

"She might," Broyles said, emphasizing the last word.

"At the very least, it would be nice to free up an agent. She knows a lot about the environmental degradation that Walter keeps swearing will happen at any time," Olivia said.

Peter said, "I have to agree."

Astrid said, "We can put her under house arrest. Somewhere around here."

"Do you want her as a roommate?" Peter nearly smiled.

"No, not at all, but I wouldn't mind if she was in the same building," Astrid said.

Liv ended up living next to the lab, in a converted classroom. "Real life of luxury here," she said.

"You are technically a prisoner," Astrid said.

"But someone keeps paying for my netflix and yarn," Liv said.

Astrid usually brought her lunch over to eat with Liv. Walter came over sometimes, too, to worm information out of Liv about the other universe. Astrid could see it made Walter sad, hearing about the devastation.

One Thursday night Astrid came to Liv's room with popcorn. "I guessed you wanted to hear about what happened today."

"There was a lot of noise," Liv said. "It's hard, stuck in this room or the lab, being so far away from everything that's happening."

"Mostly," Astrid said, "Walter is working on a time machine which he insists he has made before so he can go back to talk to the First People about the machine. Peter thinks they should go forward and figure out what the best thing to do is, which Walter thinks is a horrible idea."

"Going into the future sounds exciting, though," Liv said.

"Sometimes you two are so alike," Astrid said.

"If Walter already knows like the Secretary knows that we are all doomed, I don't know, maybe the plan should be to do something."

"Maybe," Astrid said. "It's not happening tonight. What is happening tonight is we are watching this movie because it has cartoon sheep."

Liv laughed. She laughed all the time. Astrid could count on two hands how many times she'd heard Olivia laugh. They'd had very different lives. Olivia seemed better now, happier now that she and Peter were together. Astrid watched Liv watching the cartoon. Astrid said, "Are you just playing a long game with us?"

Liv turned to look at her. "Do you think I am?"

"I don't want to," Astrid said.

"I was lied to," Liv said. "There's no war. You keep saying it, I believe you. I don't want anything to happen to my entire universe. But I don't think I can do anything anymore to make a difference. Except for what I am doing."

"Watching this movie about clay sheep?"

"Yeah," Liv said. "This isn't very helpful either." This was Liv leaning over kissing Astrid. Her hand moved up Astrid's thigh.

"It's okay," Astrid said. She reached over to cup Liv's breast through her cotton t-shirt.

Then the movie played on while they stripped each other. Liv was aggressive in all things, and Astrid felt like she'd been waiting a long time. She spread Liv's legs and licked and kissed her way to Liv's wet pink center. Liv was good, she was great, grabbing at Astrid's shoulders and not trying to touch her hair.

Liv came and she made Astrid come and see stars and then they lay naked on the couch, rewinding the movie to the last part they both remembered. "Look, I like this movie, but we don't have to be sheep themed in everything," Liv said. "If you're planning to get me a wool dildo, I object."

"Eww, anyone would object. That sounds awful. Oh my god," Astrid said. "I just thought you'd like the movie, you liked the Wallace and Gromit stuff we watched last month. But I promise next time I will rent something where no farm animals at all appear."

"You could even rent porn," Liv said. "But your porn is weird."

"Weird how?"

"Why do all the women shave everywhere? I was relieved to see you don't, I think it looks freaky," Liv said.

"For porn, it makes everything easier to see, I guess? And it makes women look like little girls I think, which is gross but popular. Some people say the skin is more sensitive? Olivia does it," Astrid said.

"You've had sex with her, too?" Liv looked interested.

"No, but she used to get into Walter's tank a lot," Astrid said.

"I like yours better," Liv said, running her hand down between Astrid's legs.

She told Broyles the next day, because it seemed like the right thing to do. Broyles said, "Thanks for letting me know." He didn't sound thankful.

Astrid got permission to have Liv stay over at her apartment. Liv came in and looked around. She said, "I like it. And I didn't start sleeping with you just to get out."

"I don't think anyone does anything for an apartment in Quincy," Astrid said. She'd moved to be closer to her father's senior living center. He swore he didn't need it, Astrid didn't believe him.

Astrid baked and Liv made jokes. "I am useless in the kitchen. Back home, Frank, my boyfriend, he did all that."

"Am I your first girlfriend?"

Liv said, "No. But I told you, it's different on my side. The world is definitely ending. Who you have sex with, how you define yourself, it's not so fraught."

"I don't know if I believe you," Astrid said.

"Maybe someday, I'll take you over there and you can see for yourself. That's our endgame, right? Peace and harmony between the universes," Liv said.

"Maybe this all ends with both universes healed and forever separated," Astrid said.

"I would hate to lose my friends and my family and my home," Liv said. "But I knew what I was signing up for."

"You were signing up for too many strawberry shortcakes with a lesbian FBI agent?"

Liv grinned. "That's exactly how the Secretary described it."

They had sex a lot which Liv kept trying to call her exercise. They went on an awkward double date.

"People probably think we're twins," Liv said to Olivia.

"Great," Olivia said, poking at her meal.

Peter started talking about guns, a topic that had both Olivias interested and allowed Astrid to pitch in. She noticed Peter looked bored when he thought Olivia wasn't watching. Then Liv started explaining how her side worked, what people knew about Peter Bishop. Peter looked uncomfortable and Liv stopped talking.

Astrid said, "This was an interesting idea."

"It was a good idea," Olivia said, smiling at Astrid. "I've always wanted to double date with you, I'm serious."

"You just didn't realize it would be when I was dating your alternate," Astrid said.

"I think I was hoping for someone who knew nothing about Fringe or alternate universes. Peter and I would be forced to talk about anything else," Olivia said.

"You were picturing double dating with me?" Peter looked adorably touched.

"Yes," Olivia said.

"That's so cute," Liv said.

Liv had been on this side for over six months and the security on her was largely perfunctory. Sometimes Astrid would wake up in the middle of the night and check on her phone that Liv was still where she was supposed to be. Sometimes she did it even when Liv was right next to her in bed.

"You have the most fantastic butt," Liv said, watching Astrid get dressed. "I just want to pull down your pants and spend all day showing you how much I appreciate it. And your breasts. And your ankles. And your nose. Your lips. Your labia."

"You really have a strong opinion about my labia?" Astrid put on her bra. Liv didn't know, but today was a big day.

Liv said, "I realized I hadn't said anything about your, god, what word do you people use? Pussy. That's the safe one, right?"

"You never ever use the C one," Astrid said. "I can't stress that enough."

"Got it," Liv said. "Have a great day."

Astrid kissed her, winding her fingers through Liv's straight hair. "I hope so."

While Astrid watched, Peter got into the machine. He created a bridge.

"A bridge," Liv said. "And Peter's in a coma?"

"A vegetative state," Astrid said. "Walter hasn't given up on him, though."

"So I could go home," Liv said, looking out the window.

"You should," Astrid said. "We can get everything done tomorrow. They know you're alive and they think we were holding you hostage."

"You were," Liv said. "I think you still are." She got up and paced. "Can I come back?"

Astrid said, "Why would you?" She wasn't trying to be mean. She'd always assumed as soon as Liv could go home, she would.

"Don't you want me to?"

"Yes," Astrid said, slowly. "But I wouldn't leave everyone I know and my whole world. I can't expect you to do that if I wouldn't."

"Right," Liv said. "One last bang, then?"

In the morning, as Liv packed, Astrid surprised herself by crying. She said, "I'm not watching you leave."

"That's a good plan," Liv said. She didn't kiss Astrid goodbye.

Astrid had a ton of work to busy herself with. They were trying a kind of detente between universes. Sharing certain technologies specifically to deal with the problems caused by Walter's door. There were still fringe cases, too. She had to help Walter who was nearly useless while he tried to cure Peter. She tried to help Olivia, too, but she was just stoic, and gray.

Astrid ended up dragging Olivia out to get coffee. "And you're having this muffin," Astrid said.

"Thanks," Olivia said. "Have you heard from Liv?"

"No," Astrid said. "But I told her I wouldn't leave my world for her, I mean, I don't think she regards me as a great catch."

"You are a great catch," Olivia said. "Not every love story has to have epic stakes."

"Thank you," Astrid said. "I'm sure Walter will help Peter."

"I hope so," Olivia said. She sniffled a little and then she was quietly crying. Astrid tentatively hugged her and then when she didn't push her away, she hugged her harder.

When the bridge had been around for a month, Astrid got permission to go to the other side. She was supposed to liaison with the Fringe division. Broyles said, "It's just about establishing a relationship," like he was giving her permission to just hook up. He was probably not giving her permission to hook up.

As soon as she got to the other side's Fringe division, she was being hugged hard by a very familiar redhead.

"Oh, look, it's Liv's girlfriend," someone who sounded like Charlie said. Astrid opened her eyes. It was Charlie, an alternate one. She smiled even wider.

"She's not my girlfriend," Liv said. "Technically."

"Actually, Agent Farnsworth," the one who introduced himself as Captain Lee said. "We've been thinking here that it might make sense to have a liaison for us on your side. Maybe send one of our own over to your side to work there and help things along."

"Really?" Astrid embarrassed herself by squealing a little.

"I think it's a great idea," Liv said.

Astrid spent the day being very very serious about her job. She had things to make happen, routines and procedures to establish. Then, finally, the day was over. Liv said, "I didn't arrange any housing for you. I can, if you want?"

"I don't want," Astrid said. "I want to see where you live."

As they drove back to Liv's place, Astrid said, "Are you serious about wanting to come over to our side and working there?"

"Pretty much," Liv said. "I could come back sometimes."

"But at some point they're going to close the bridge again," Astrid said.

"The universe's leading scientists think it will probably be at least 50-60 years," Liv said. "I could live with you that long. I mean, not like that."

"Right," Astrid said, blushing. "I don't know, Walter's managed to move Peter up 5 points on the Glasgow coma scale."

"I take it that's good," Liv said.

"It's very good," Astrid said. "Walter might shorten the time the bridge is open. We shouldn't count on 50-60 years."

Astrid knew everything would work out as soon as she got to Liv's place and saw that stupid stuffed sheep perched on the other pillow. Liv actually blushed and snatched it up. "I don't usually have that there."

"Oh, okay. I have a picture of you over my bed," Astrid said. "My dad says it's silly, we only dated for two months and I keep telling him you can't get a visa to get over here."

"It's pretty silly," Liv said. She looked very serious as she pushed Astrid back against the wall. "It makes me really happy."

"Me, too," Astrid said. "Me, too." Finally, they were kissing again.


End file.
